While it is true that I am a staunch defender of Girliedom, there is such a thing as going too far. I give you: the prime of Miss Sarah Jane Newbury, Professional Virgin (no, really). You may want to wear shades: girlfriend shows a lotta pink.
Anyway, we always like people who refer to themselves in the third person, don't we, Agatha? Yesssss! We do!!! Especially when they're virginssssssss
Sarah Jane has got these documents to prove she is genuinely intact and that she has not had any plastic surgery!
She asked her Doctors this year to examine her to prove that she is still intact and doesn't need a smear test. The letters also prove that she has never been pregnant. The fact that Sarah Jane is an intact virgin means that she can sue, which is why tape recordings of slander were given to doctors proving that she has not imagined it, is not paranoid, and has never had any illness other than flu and is lucky to have good health.
Sarah has been the subject of many malicious attacks which she believes are caused by jealousy.
One rejected neighbour sent letters containing lies to various newspapers and is believed to have killed and eaten Sarah's cat!
Another malicious detractor
was found putting anonymous notes full of lies on the car a while ago by Tony Durant. She said she was shielding the culprit and was taking the notes off. However she is known to throw bread all over peoples' cars, roofs, and the town and the council are trying to stop her. The woman says she sees the spirits of crocodiles and likes rats as much as the birds. However she told Sarah she did not want her husband to see Sarah Jane's frilly underwear on the washing line and she does not put bread near her own house! So Sarah believes the woman has mixed motives.
So do we. And frankly, we believe the woman may be a little...well. You know.
God bless Sarah Jane for bearing with all this craziness. She is a brave little toaster.
And, God bless the Queen Mum. And her former boyfriends (Sarah Jane's, not the Queen Mum's) (as far as we know), none of whom ever slandered her, or took advantage of her; and all of whom would appear to have been named Christopher.
Christopher Lewis who lived at Orchard Road Westbury. Sarah Jane met Christopher when she was 13 and went out with him until she left Westbury to live in Windsor. She met him as her grandfather was captain of Westbury Cricket Club and he was one of his young sportsmen. They were extremely fond of each other but too young to settle down. He has never slandered her.
Christopher Paine from Melksham who owns an abattoir. Sarah Jane met him through a friend she went to prep school with. They were very fond of each other but were too young to settle down. He never slandered her...
"Christopher Robin who lived at Pooh Corner. Sarah Jane met Christopher at a tea party. She went out with him until there was that unfortunate incident with Piglet and the Visit To Christopher Paine's Abbatoir. Christopher Robin has never slandered her. Eeyore however could tell you a thing or two."
...oh, sorry. that last one might have been slanderous.
now I'm wondering if it wouldn't be a mitzvah to set her up with the Almost-40-Year-Old Virgin. He might not be nice enough, though. And I think he is rather prone to slanderous talk, himself, alas.
also: does Princess Sparkle Pony know?