Saturday, May 06, 2006

Girlieness, continued: Excesses and Dangers

While it is true that I am a staunch defender of Girliedom, there is such a thing as going too far. I give you: the prime of Miss Sarah Jane Newbury, Professional Virgin (no, really). You may want to wear shades: girlfriend shows a lotta pink.

Anyway, we always like people who refer to themselves in the third person, don't we, Agatha? Yesssss! We do!!! Especially when they're virginssssssss

Sarah Jane has got these documents to prove she is genuinely intact and that she has not had any plastic surgery!

She asked her Doctors this year to examine her to prove that she is still intact and doesn't need a smear test. The letters also prove that she has never been pregnant. The fact that Sarah Jane is an intact virgin means that she can sue, which is why tape recordings of slander were given to doctors proving that she has not imagined it, is not paranoid, and has never had any illness other than flu and is lucky to have good health.

You see,

Sarah has been the subject of many malicious attacks which she believes are caused by jealousy.

f'r instance,

One rejected neighbour sent letters containing lies to various newspapers and is believed to have killed and eaten Sarah's cat!

Another malicious detractor

was found putting anonymous notes full of lies on the car a while ago by Tony Durant. She said she was shielding the culprit and was taking the notes off. However she is known to throw bread all over peoples' cars, roofs, and the town and the council are trying to stop her. The woman says she sees the spirits of crocodiles and likes rats as much as the birds. However she told Sarah she did not want her husband to see Sarah Jane's frilly underwear on the washing line and she does not put bread near her own house! So Sarah believes the woman has mixed motives.

So do we. And frankly, we believe the woman may be a little...well. You know.
God bless Sarah Jane for bearing with all this craziness. She is a brave little toaster.

And, God bless the Queen Mum. And her former boyfriends (Sarah Jane's, not the Queen Mum's) (as far as we know), none of whom ever slandered her, or took advantage of her; and all of whom would appear to have been named Christopher.

Christopher Lewis who lived at Orchard Road Westbury. Sarah Jane met Christopher when she was 13 and went out with him until she left Westbury to live in Windsor. She met him as her grandfather was captain of Westbury Cricket Club and he was one of his young sportsmen. They were extremely fond of each other but too young to settle down. He has never slandered her.

Christopher Paine from Melksham who owns an abattoir. Sarah Jane met him through a friend she went to prep school with. They were very fond of each other but were too young to settle down. He never slandered her.

"Christopher Robin who lived at Pooh Corner. Sarah Jane met Christopher at a tea party. She went out with him until there was that unfortunate incident with Piglet and the Visit To Christopher Paine's Abbatoir. Christopher Robin has never slandered her. Eeyore however could tell you a thing or two."

...oh, sorry. that last one might have been slanderous.

now I'm wondering if it wouldn't be a mitzvah to set her up with the Almost-40-Year-Old Virgin. He might not be nice enough, though. And I think he is rather prone to slanderous talk, himself, alas.

also: does Princess Sparkle Pony know?


Bitch | Lab said...

Jesus ! I'm glad I wore the shades. it's so great to be ported right back to 1996!

gandhi rules said...

I love your writing. I will have to put you on my bookmark thingy.

Amber said...

Dear Sarah,

You have a typo at the top of your web page: "There is music on every page of this web site so please switch your speakers on." Clearly that last word should be "off."


midwesterntransport said...

i am deeply suspicious of ms. sarah jane for the following reasons:
1) the overabundance of pink
2) not just pink, but pink flowers
3) the falling stars
4) the pegasii

all of these items used separately would be cloying, but not alarming. used together they are downright terrifying.

Jay Sennett said...

As a staunch cat lover and communicator of the 32nd order, I can safely say that no cat would ever with that much pink.

They have too much self-respect.

JaySennett said...


my last post should read "would never live with that much pink..."

kactus said...

oh my god, do heartless bitches international know about this woman? If not, you should give them a heads-up. Jesus, 1996 indeed.

Stu said...

Some nice observations on Sarah. She's actually from my home town of Trowbridge, UK - I even used to have the same doctor as her. I can vouch for her honesty - as there are quite a few fruitcakes like Sarah in our town. And I can emphasise with her dislike of the bread throwing lady - we have several who have a militant attitude to feeding pigeons. Her friend Tony Durrant seems a real card too.

This site is a fascinating window into the mind of a dillusional person - it should be cherished.