You know, I gotta say, I don't envy straight people. Not that queer dating, etc. is exactly pitfall/crazy/loser-free. But at least we, or I anyway, seem to have avoided hooking up with people like this guy.
Essentially, the fact that he's made it to nearly 40 without having sexshul intercourse is the least of his worries, at least to my jaundiced eye (and a lot of the commenters there as well; the tone ranges from sympathetic to get-the-popcorn-and-watch-the-traffic-accident); the fact that he's made it that far without apparently developing basic empathic skills is a lot more troubling. And so, like many people who have poor-to-nonexistent social and/or emotional skills, he clings stubbornly to a script/belief system that is as creaky and sad as it is (frankly) offensive. The Cliff Notes:
1) Women prefer "scumbags" like rapists and murderers, or at least abusive jerks, no matter what they say, because noted criminals have gotten lots of nookie and he hasn't gotten any.
2) It's cool to be gay, but it's not cool to be an older male virgin. This is obvious because "Brokeback Mountain" was so popular. Also gay men are "often good looking with extroverted personalities."
3) Men know, but women don't understand: Women Are Spendthrifts. And greedy, and rude, and ungrateful. Especially in NYC, where this guy lives and dates.
4) His $150,000/year salary + nearly 40K in investment earnings isn't enough to attract the "hot gold digger babes," and clearly never will be.
5) It pisses him off that a woman he just started dating is making more money than he is, (or so he calculates, based on some Google detective work and careful questioning) when "she wasn't even born in this country." The 250K job she has is the one he should have had when he was thirty. And he could never marry her, because if they had a kid, he'd be the one who'd have to give up his lower-paying job to stay home, and he can't think of anything more "demasculating" than that, it'd be like getting his penis cut off, and what would he say at parties? And then she'd divorce him for a more alpha male, and he'd end up paying her alimony, "because women always mop up in divorce court no matter what the circumstances." That said, it turns him on that she has a high-powered job, which must make him a pervert 'cuz a "normal guy" would "get soft" in the presence of a woman with a better job than his. (as it turns out, he really liked her, but she didn't think they had any chemistry, which means that he is Doomed).
6) Rich women who don't have high-power jobs are Daddy-spoiled "princesses" who don't have to work to pay their rent, and he resents the shit out of it.
7) "Girls want a boyfriend who is bigger than they are so they can feel small and girly."
8) "Swapping saliva is gross"
9) The reason he sees so many "Asian-white interracial couples" (with the man white, not the other way around) is probably because whereas white chicks are after "alpha males," Asian babes are more likely to be seeking good husband material. Which explains why they're willing to date white "nice guy" geeks, as opposed to those gold digging white women (I guess). Too bad for his poor Asian brothers, though.
10) The top five "motivations" for his dating at all are "wanting what I can't have," "desire to be normal," "status," "habit," and plain ol' loneliness (that last is probably a good part of why people keep tuning in). Sex and love are at the bottom of the list, in that order.
11) He wouldn't belong to a club that would have him as a member (by his own admission)
12) The last woman who wanted to date him and actually kept coming back to his apartment to make him food and do whatever he was willing to do, he got to the point where he "can't stand her," after she gave him a tutorial of the "mysterious hidden female body parts" (and, by his own admission, he couldn't get it up). She's not that nice-looking, and she embarrassed him in public with her cheap, old clothing and her PDA's. At least the doormen thought he was getting laid, though.
13) Yes, he hears the advice to "get some therapy" all the time. Well, he's never heard of a therapist who treats virgins, specifically, so they must not ever do that (even though they have therapists who treat fear of flying and suchlike). And, there was one guy who was a 49-year-old virgin who was in therapy for eighteen years, and that didn't get him laid, 'till he saw a sexual surrogate. So basically, the therapy industry is just after your money (just like women), and a big waste of time.
14) No, he's apparently not gonna just hire a sex worker either, despite repeated suggestions that he do just that, if losing virginity is the main goal, here.
15) Nice Guys like him don't get no respect. More important, they don't get no trim. Clearly the problem is that he's too nice.
The thing is, you know, he's oddly sympathetic in a way, clearly: who can't relate to agonizing fears and shyness around sex and dating at some point in their lives? And yes, naked honesty (of a sort) is always interesting. Trouble is, he doesn't relate back. And while this clearly goes way way beyond simple sex and gender issues, I can't help but observe how his worldview, well, he didn't get it out of nowhere, either, now did he. And he seems to have at least a few guys cheering him on, as though he is speaking The Truth. I think, you know, there probably is a lot of this about; at any rate the "speed seduction" industry is thriving, due, one presumes, to a plenitude of boy customers like this sad bastard.
e.g., from Ross Jeffries:
Listen, if you keep hearing "I just want to be friends" from women,
then there's just one reason, and one reason alone for it: You haven't
learned to create the kind of states in women that MAKE THEM
HOT TO BANG YOU!!
At best you create states in her of comfort and casual enjoyment, which means...
YOU WIND UP CHOKING THE CHICKEN
INSTEAD OF STROKING THE CAT!!
Misogyny, stereotyped sex roles, an unhealthy obsession with/reification of money, prizing externals over internal reality (including actual sensual enjoyment in the sex, once gotten, is a theme I'm getting), a sense of cheated entitlement, a sneaking suspicion that one must be a total failure if one isn't a Winner (who Takes It All, inevitably)--these are all the dark undercurrents of the American Dream. And the people who are supposed to be at the top of the food chain, or at least some of them, don't see themselves as fortunate, at all, at all. Which, in a sense, they're right about; they have been cheated, in a way, albeit not of the things they think they were cheated of. The problem is that they (again, some blatantly more so than others) can't or won't see that, or indeed anything or anyone else beyond their own woes. Narcissism, in other words; or something along those lines. Which makes awful, perfect sense in some ways: after all, Real Men (tm) don't have feelings, much less work to understand anyone else's. They just...perform. Or fail.
n.b: wrt relationships, this bit from one of the pages linked below felt particularly apt:
Narcissists do not have the emotional capacity to provide support or understanding to others. There are numerous defense mechanisms which narcissists use to confuse and unbalance those around them. Organization is unknown to narcissistic individuals and they avoid future plans if it concerns pleasing another for some reason not evident to them.
They do not want anyone thinking highly of them for several reasons. First, their sense of self as special, unique and deserving keeps them grounded at maintenance level in their relationships. Maintenance level is just enough, just in time to keep the folly of the relationship moving forward, but just enough and no more. To expend more energy on the relationship would cause others to feel some degree of predictability in the whole affair. Contributing to the happiness of the ones they already envy for having the ability to feel love is not a an activity in which narcissists wish to participate...
Just for balance's sake, I'll end this with a conversation I was privy to/part of a while ago; I jotted it down because it struck me as...well, see for yourself:
SETTING: belly dance class, taught by a young, pretty woman
Teacher: I dunno about this guy...I dunno. I mean, after a few
months, you *assume*...but, well, so, he didn't get me anything for
(collective gasp, clucking, from other three students, all female &
Student #1: Dump him.
Teacher: I just don't know where we *are,* you know? I mean, okay,
not everyone belives in holidays like Valentine's Day, and he *is*
English, I totally get that, it's just...just a little piece of
chocolate, you know? *One* rose? But mostly I just don't know where I
stand with him.
Me: Well, was it just Valentine's Day, or do you feel like he's
blowing you off in general? Have you talked to him about this at all?
Student #2: That *is* a point. He's English. They don't make such a
big deal over Valentine's Day over there.
Teacher: Yeah, but he's been over here for, like, years. He should
totally know about Valentine's Day.
Student #1: You should dump him. I told (mumble) my guy I didn't
want anything for my 31st birthday, I just didn't want to be reminded
of it. And he *didn't get me anything!* He didn't get me ANYTHING!
Not even a card!
Student #2: So, that was it?
Student #1: That was it, yeah.
Teacher: Yeah, I hear you. I just don't know...
Me: I guess I just think, on general principles, it's good to be
direct about what you want. I mean, I don't know what kind of a
relationship you have...
Student #1: I just think you shouldn't tell him *anything*. Make
*him* figure it out.
Student #2: (re student #1) Listen to her, don't listen to me. She
knows this stuff. I don't. She's married.
Student #1: Well, uh, no, I'm not, actually.
Teacher: So you think I should just keep quiet?
Student #2: Yeah, make him work.
Student #1: Make him work for it.
Me: Does that work?
Student #1: Well...I don't know!
Teacher: ...just a *little* piece of chocolate...
In other words, and in sum:
Sorry, I don't speak your crazy moon language.