Diner

"...so he's all like, 'I'm a good person! I run an orphanage for children with AIDS in Africa!' And I'm all, 'that doesn't make you a good person, that makes you--'"

The counter guy glances over at me.

"I'll be with you in a second. I'm in the middle of a heated story."

"I know, I'm listening to the heated story," I smile.

The guy winds up with a flourish, and the three or four people he'd been declaiming to get up from the booth. Laughter and goodbye kisses all around. Counter guy finally comes over to me as they head out. I'm ready to order, but he's still in narrative mode:

"So I'm talking to this guy, right? We're having a normal conversation about politics, stuff like that. And so then I say, blah when I was at the gun show with my boyfriend, and he goes, 'You were at a -gun show-?' '...Yeah?' 'Why? Why?' 'Because we go hunting,' and he goes -nuts.- 'How can you -do- that? You get off on killing!' and I'm like, 'nnnooo, it's just something we do, I grew up in the country, me and my family used to go on hunting trips, we eat what we kill...' And then he's all, 'You're a bad person! I'm a better person than you!' --I think this is where you came in..."

"Where was this?" I interrupt.

"He was sitting literally right where you are. And then so he's all, 'if I had a gun I'd shoot you right now!'"

"...Oh, shit! This just happened?"

"--What? No, Monday night. So then I'm like, okay, you say you're a good person but you just threatened to kill me."

"Yyyyeah, wow, maybe 'do not engage' at that point...craziness."

"I swear, I was going to hit him. I wanted to hit him. I had to walk away at that point. --Are you ready to order?"

I give him what's already become my usual: creature of habit, me. Rare cheeseburger, no mayo, scoop of cottage cheese on the side, coke. As he's going to put in the order, I say, because I'm hooked too at this point:

"So, first of all, he's morally opposed to hunting for food, but he's in a diner..."

"Oh, yeah, he's going on and on about how he's a vegan, and I'm thinking, I didn't say it, those french fries you're eating? Were fried in the -same- oil as the scallops, the chicken...and I was like, haha, I win."

"And then of course there's the whole, 'I'm going to kill you.'"

"I know, right? You hate guns, but if you had a gun you'd shoot me. Okay!"

"Crazy."

Someone else puts the juke on, or perhaps it goes on randomly. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, 'Man.'

I got a man who makes me wanna kill
I got a man who makes me wanna kill
I got a man he makes me wanna UGH
I got a man who makes me wanna kill
There he is. There he is. There he is. There he is....

Simultaneously, a police siren wails in the distance. The synchronicity gods are happy today.

The guy brings me my burger.

"I swear, I'm a little guy? but when I get angry, I get really angry. I will kick your ass. I totally wanted to hit him. He's, like, got no neck, he's got those gym shoulders that go all the way up to his head? I had to walk away."

"Seems smart."

"My friend wrote a letter to the manager saying how well I handled it."

He turns to another counter person, one I haven't met yet, just starting his shift apparently.

"People are getting crazier. Yesterday, this woman says, 'I'm not gonna pay for this. I didn't finish eating it and he took it away.' And we're all, yes, but you said you were done, and when we asked if you wanted it to go, you said no.' 'I didn't eat it, so I'm not gonna pay."

I take a bite of my burger. Nice and red and juicy, just the way I like it.