The New Gay Agenda

So, in the light of the Rick Warren business, here is what I am thinking:

We need a non-partisan group that puts us first, never mind "party unity" or anyone or anything else. We need passion. We need total, unwavering commitment to -our- interests before anyone else's. We need not-gonna-take-it-anymore-can-do-ism. Most of all, we need a catchy acronym and logo. I have it! GOOSE!



Yes, GOOSE. Gays Outraged Over Straight Enablers (*of professional homophobes, so technically, GOOSEoph, but ignore that for now). Catchy, innit? Oh yeah, feel the power, baby. ROAR, I mean HONK.


Also note the clever double-entendre possibilities! We're cheeky! GOOSE me, baby!***

Geese are the perfect symbol, because they travel in packs and mate for life (actually I don’t know for sure, but I’m too lazy to look it up:fact-checking is part of the Old Agenda), and they’re beautiful in flight, but they’re also mean as hell when you piss ‘em off. You don’t fuck with geese, man. You just don’t.

We hiss! We spit! We waddle! We, ummm, shit all over everything!…

Oh and above all else, symbolism over policy, and we’ll cheerfully fuck over anyone who’s a rung below us on the ladder because they can get their own goddam interest group/acronym, that’s only fair. Trans people, sex workers, immigrants, poor people. Lesbians and/or people of color, most of the time, really. Anyone who doesn’t put GAY FIRST, and -we- will define what that means exactly, thanks. Intersection? What’s that? Get in line or get wing-slapped. HONK. Hey, it's better than being told to get in line or get slapped by all those -other- organizations that don't really give a damn about you, right? Also totally different, too...

...Oh wait, this is basically Human Rights Campaign already, isn’t it. Shit.

So, in that case the best solution would therefore be to try to reinvent the wheel, repudiating everyone else who's doing anything roughly resembling this kind of work already in the name of "inclusiveness." We can be simultaneously even more reactionary than the current wheel-spinners -and- hilariously, jaw-droppingly ineffective.

You know what we really need? No, not more outreach to other disaffected groups or even other groups who're already fighting for queer rights. More Log Cabin members. So what if we have nothing in common with 95% of their interests and they inevitably fail even when it comes to voting for candidates who're gonna be the slightly less awful on the other 5? We NEED them, man. Cut them some more slack, give them more of a voice in the Big Tent. Because, uhhh, because...

you know, I'd love to answer that, but I really can't get that kind of important hard work done until I get some serious help over here. Please come help with waddles, and send lots of moneyz for BIG SHOUTY ADS that will never materialize and ummm mumblesomething.

Belledame GooseGrrl
c/o The Aviary
Cloudcuckooland.

HONK! HONK!! Let's give 'em something to squawk about.


***This use of John Barrowman's image was made without his permission and says nothing about his position on GOOSE, although we certainly hope we can get a big name celebrity like him on board. For that matter, neither Eve Myles nor the goose used in the accompanying photos have endorsed our organization. We regret any confusion this may have caused.