Friday, May 08, 2009

"'Dear American Blacks': Join The Republicans, It's For Your Own Good"

And this hurts me more than it hurts--oh, wait.

How Not To Win Friends And Influence People, I mean, I'm -pretty- sure, over at Redstate as documented (and linked, so I don't have to) by Alicublog:

Dear American Blacks:

Sometimes the very best act of friendship I could do is tell you that the person you think is your best friend actually works against you behind your back, laughing at you, mocking your hardships, secure in the knowledge that you need him too much to ever leave him.

Sometimes — no, actually always — the true friend is the one who tells you what you don’t want to hear. The one who does not indulge you, the one who will neither promise you nor give you candy and other bennies. Instead he tells you to sit down and eat your green beans and spinach — and if you want that nice car, then quit whining, get an education, earn a good job, and earn that nice car.

The really ironic thing is that the slick, good-time “friend” will tell you what a jerk your true friend is. And you will believe him. You will believe him, that is, until you grow up, or until your good-time friend sells you up the river so far that your life is wrecked, and your future is ruined. Your wisdom will have been gained at a steep price.

But your true friend will still be there. And eating your green beans, securing an education, and working hard are still the path to success.

American Blacks, the Democratic Party is that good-time, lying, back-stabbing excuse for a “friend”. The DC Voucher story is an illustration — hardly a unique story — of how Democrats continually seek to set you up as a permanent underclass, so that you’ll depend on them to throw you scraps and believe their lies, in order to secure your votes to keep them in power...

...So while the Democrats toss your children’s hopes and dreams aside, secure in the knowledge that you’ll always vote for them, remember that your true friend is still here.

I ask you to consider, why is it that you hate Republicans so much?

Republicans do not know how to approach you. Democrats and the Democrat-dominated press have misled you and stoked up your wrath to the point that you will not listen to us.

So I propose this: how about listening? How about listening to what Republicans have to say, instead of what the Democrats say we say? How about listening to what we have to say before booing us out of the building?

...Want the opportunity to escape poverty, crime, and poor schools? Then quit voting for the Democrats that put you there.
Tired of 15% unemployment in your areas? Then quit supporting the Democrats who raise taxes and force increase regulations on employers. [oh yeah, the Democrats call them the 'rich', but when was the last time a poor man gave you a job?]

Eat your green beans! Do the thing that frees you!

It’s tough love, but I assure you, friend, it’s love. That’s why we fought like hell to restore the DC School Vouchers. That’s why we fought like hell to lower taxes on businesses, so employers could hire more people and create more success for everybody.

We received not one ounce of gratitude from you, but we did it anyway. And we will continue to do what is right for America, for whites, for blacks, for Latinos, for Republicans, for Democrats, for today, and for the future.

Join us. Consider it, anyway.


yes, it's really real. Really.

I was going to say something snarky about someone having watched too many episodes of "boot camp for recalcitrant minors" on the talk shows, but then something stirred in my heart, and or/bowels, and I was moved to respond in like spirit.


Dear Republican Whites,

As a true friend, your only REAL friend, really, I must tell you that the only cure for the shrinkage you're currently suffering is to slam all of your various bits and extremities very hard in a car door, followed by a roll in coarse salt and a bath in a tub full of live herring and miniature crabs. You should achieve immediate growth, or at least swelling.

Consider it, anyway.

I realize I will receive not one ounce of gratitude for this heartfelt (and free! let it never be said that there is no such thing as a free lunch. although you -will- have to pay for the herring yourselves, I'm afraid) advice. But, I'm giving it anyway. Such is the overflowing bounty of my care and compassion. My poor misunderstood bleeding heart, it even bleeds for you. ESPECIALLY for you.

See, I don't hate Republican Whites. Black Americans don't hate Republican Whites. Democratic Whites don't hate Republican Whites. -No one- *hates* Republican Whites. That's where you've gotten us all wrong. We LOVE you. Deeply. And sincerely. Everyone loves Whites! And especially Republicans!! Seriously, how could anyone hate -you?- What would anyone ever do without you? Can't you feel the love, tonight?

Bless you, Republican Whites. BLESS YOU. And, thank you. For...you know. Everything.

Yours in Supply-Side Jesus,

Marie of Romania.

15 comments:

Comrade PhysioProf said...

LOLZ! Snarklalicious, Belledame!

belledame222 said...

-bows-

belledame222 said...

I think my favorite part I didn't even get to was "how 'vouchers'="green beans" whereas "better public education for everyone"="candy," somehow.

wonders idly about their take on Reagan's "ketchup is a vegetable"

Kristen said...

I...I...I...have no words for exactly how racist that was...I mean...the racism starts in the greeting and just goes down hill from their.

And lovely snarkage.

Kristen said...

Or there...if you like that grammar thing.

belledame222 said...

yeah, there was even more Special in the comments section.

belledame222 said...

It also reads rather nicely as Letter From Yer Abuser Who's Not Fun To Be With, doesn't it.

"You don't -really- think I'm an abusive asshole, you're just saying that because you've been brainwashed by your 'friends' and 'family.' You know what your problem is? You hang around with people who don't let you think for yourself, like I do. Freedom's just another word for letting ME tell you what to think..."

CrackerLilo said...

*boggles* This is what happens when you drive all the smart and/or compassionate people out of your organization. They're probably wondering why there isn't a mass of black people joining them right now. After all, Michael Steele's their chairman now!

Great snarkage. Some may even take you up on it. I understand that some of the remaining Republican leaders are into S&M. The trouble is, they had all of America at the point where we desperately needed to scream the safe word, and who'd have thought it was "Obama"?

Their current whining is starting to sound like beautiful music.

belledame222 said...

as previously noted with online wadfems, eventually the cycle of drive-out-heretics-->remainder gets increasingly more zealous-->which alienates still more people, leading to further exodus ...becomes an event horizon from which it is impossible to reverse or escape.

seems slightly incredible that an edifice as huge as the Republican party might've reached that point, but it's really looking that way, isn't it?

Alon Levy said...

Pretty much. It's like the "Why, oh, why are these rednecks too stupid to see that voting Dem is in their economic interests?", only worse. Even David Frum is predicting the Republican Party's going to be dead for 10 years.

Anonymous said...

When Roy writes at the top of his post, "...because they sound less like their friends and more like their parole officer."

Is that a possibly racist comment?

I honestly don't know, but it seems to cover up a whole lot of unstated assumptions on Roy's part.

Mandos said...

David Frum was only ever in it for the wars and screwing the poor anyway. Slightly more difficult to do this from Canada.

Alon Levy said...

Not necessarily. If Harper had been Prime Minister in 2003, Canada would've done plenty of warring in Iraq.

Mandos said...

True, but the chances of Harper being PM in Canada while JC was running the Liberal Party was low. What messed everything up were the shenanigans of the Martinites. And when Paul Martin finally acceded to the Sublime Porte, the first thought everyone had was "WHAT WERE THEY THINKING??"

Anyway, speaking of instrumental misogyny... I mean, the woman writing the article was bleah, sure, but it's really rich to complain about Obot nstrumental misogyny when you're being instrumentally misogynist. Against a misogynist, of course.

To add to the delicious meta, one of the commenters refers to the idiot mom as having an Obot mentality. I never tire of these layers upon layers.

I just wish VS would get a better host because her blog keeps stalling.

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