Saturday, July 12, 2008

Quote of the day, 7/12/08

I often think about people who have boundary issues not just as people who have trouble maintaining their own or who are inclined to violate those of others, but as people who seem to actually lack the understanding of where you start and they end. Meaning they take on emotion that’s yours in ways that are just inappropriate, and becomes kinda controlling, and can be really overwhelming…and given that, it’s not actually that surprising when the people with a saviour complex start getting offended when the designated-savee decides no thank you, that’s not the way she wants to go, develop delusions that they and only they can handle the necessary struggles, and become really fucking controlling, actually.


--Purtek, who's been on a roll lately

7 comments:

Brown Shoes said...

If you buy into the Myers-Briggs sorts of ideas, then that fits pretty well with which "temperaments" are believed to have those characteristics, and the people I'm thinking of who have both those traits and "temperaments". In short, it all kind of makes sense, at least to me.

Purtek said...

Thanks, belle! :)

brown shoes, which temperaments are those that would have those characteristics? Sometimes I find personality sorting really useful, so I'm curious.

PhysioProf said...

I'm interested in the connection to Myers-Briggs, too. The questionnaire-based M-B personality inventories tend to give results that seem eerily insightful.

brown shoes said...

I was mostly just thinking, purtek, that your description of how some people have a hard time with boundaries and essentially feel compelled to take on the emotions of others, with or without consent - that sounds like ENF behavior gone awry, especially when it becomes suffocating and overwhelming.

Especially in the cases of the J-type where they feel compelled to become leaders of people, it ends up becoming really alienating and condescending when it's men saying it because then it looks like yet another case of men telling women what is and isn't proper.

And I'm not really trying to be apologetic here, because for all their emotional insight, they don't seem to understand that and react very personally when it's pointed out, even in polite terms, because NFs tend to be sensitive to that too.

So, it ends up being an overall frustrating experience - they think the women need them to lead them for both those reasons (being men and being compelled to, well, behavior that comes across as pretty controlling) which is frustrating when that isn't how it goes, and women are frustrated because these guys don't like being told to ease off or butt out because to them their hearts are in the right place, or their intentions are good, or whatever, so it hurts to be shut down when you're just trying to help.

I mean, if that's true, it is what it is, it's just annoying as hell from time to time.

Purtek said...

Thanks for the follow up, brown shoes. I kind of suspected it was an (E)NF issue, and yeah, I can kinda relate. He-who-shall-not-be-named is *often* referencing his ENFP personality status, and it causes me great pain, since I am also *so* quintessentially ENFP in so many ways. Because part of the thing about that proverbial "sensitivity" is that we're kinda familiar with our own sensitivity/ability to read people, and (speaking as someone who is hopefully going less-awry lately, but has gone so in the past) it's something we often take pride in. Where it's a problem is where that pride overshadows the original, y'know, *sensitivity*...

Anyway, that's my overtired ramble, point being - thanks for the insight.

brown shoes said...

Well, I was kind of reluctant to it since, you know, I tend to the personality-types not known for emotional sensitivity and tending to step on people's toes and what have you (INTJ for the curious), so I want to emphasize that it's not a problem I see with ENF behavior in general, just when it goes awry, which is what I think happened.

I guess the shorter paragraph would be: I honestly mean no offense here, because I think the emotional sensitivity that NFs tend to possess is just as much an asset as anything else, and I don't take the person I was referencing to be normative for that kind of personality.

Purtek said...

Oh yeah, just in case you were worried, I took no personal offense whatsoever. I think one of the major advantages of the personality typing systems is that it helps me to be more conscious of *which* major weaknesses will jump up to bite me in the ass if I'm not careful.