Wednesday, July 30, 2008

So, gourmet, organic, etc. cookies -seems- like a good idea, right?



...and they come in flavors like chocolate chip, and chocolate mint fudge, and everything you supposedly want.

So why is it that they inevitably taste like ass? And I find myself going back to terrible shit like Mallomars and Hostess Cupcakes?

ETA: and while we're on the general subject.

I propose a moratorium on all use of the term "cookie" for derisively signaling that so -and-so is a Crap Ally or just plain asshole who's made some entirely inadequate gesture nominally toward erasing oppression and is now wondering, whinily, why effusive thanks and praise are not coming hir way from the oppressed/annoyed persons in question.

Why? Because

a) as overused and often misused poli-blog cliches go, it's getting even worse than "straw__"

b) cookies are a GOOD thing. we should not be minging in doling out COOKIES.

EVERBODY HAVE COOKIE!!!

29 comments:

GallingGalla said...

Y'no those signs that say "no shoes, no shirt, no service"?

Well, no eggs, no oil, no cookie.

All you get is a dry, hard, hockey puck.

Note to vegans: Stop trying to imitate non-vegan food. (Soy "cheese" and "yogurt" sucks, too. So does "rice dream". So does egg and oil-free bread, unless you like sawdust.) Hoe about making vegan food that TASTES GOOD. (I've had, and made, plenty.)

belledame222 said...

See, not even talking about those; those don't even count as "food" in my book, those are "packing materials."

No, I mean, like, there're these cookies that are, I don't know, Paul Newman or some damn thing, and I mean, how can you not buy a cookie from Paul Newman? And there's nothing -weird- about 'em; they have all the usual stuff only I guess less adulterated. Your basic normal cookie flavors. Should be great, right? But...they're not.

Drakyn said...

I recommend Trader Joes. You sometimes have to search, but there are some great deals. Like awesome truffles for $1.99. Though I generally get the sweets that are organic/fair trade/etc. and not vegan... Vegan chocolate cake is very good though. An soy mozzerella is great on veggieburgers and in pasta. Soy cheddar makes a much better alternative to cheesespread for cheezy fries.
*actually likes many vegan foods*

Vegan brownies need to die though; in my experience they taste like chalk.

I could never go vegan until (it is affordable!) they make a good, real tasting soy/rice/whatev buttermilk. i <3 my buttermilk too much to go vegan. ^.^

ideologicallyimpure said...

Fortunately in NZ we have Naked Foods:
http://www.nakedorganics.co.nz/

Damn tasty, but hardly low-calorie.

belledame222 said...

Oh yeah, -sigh-, Trader Joe's...there are actually some in Manhattan, but my lazy ass never really got there. I've been relying mostly on the shit around here, that's the problem. maybe when I move, I will have a nearer purveyor of fine baked goods. certainly in general the new neighborhood is a lot more promising than this one, food wise.

belledame222 said...

oh, and totally not looking for vegan. just tasty treats that ideally maybe don't have a longer half-life than I do. or um something.

truth is actually i -should- be looking for more fruits and veggies and exercise: but goddamit, as long as one is just shoving sugary convenience/comfort foods in one's gob anyway, they OUGHT TO BE MORE SATISFYING DAMMIT

Drakyn said...

I highly recommend their ginger snaps. The ones we got have real ginger in them. ^.^
Kettle chips are also really good (and aren't just at trader joes)--salt n pepper and buffalo blue are the best flavors.

My mom loves trader joes because she has heart problems and therefore can't have a lot of sodium or any butter. And since she works she can't cook all the time. So, their frozen dinners and boxed soups are perfect. (Gorgonzola and walnut tortellinis FTW)

Kim said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
LOVE THIS!
I nearly pissed all the coffee outta me when I saw that bitchy Cookie Monster.

Fuck that healthy, carob, natural, Ass-Tasting, shit when it comes to sweets.

I WANT Teh FAT, ok, I WANT THE FAT, do you hear me???

(Too? Tom's of Maine toothpaste tastes like Ass Supreme.)

CrackerLilo said...

I'm allergic to eggs, and I've found that to have a decent-tasting cookie without eggs, I pretty much have to do it myself. (And now I imitate my mother: "...like ALWAYS, *sigh*") For some reason, natural/organic/less-animal-product chips and candy can be managed just fine, but not so much baked goods, in my experience.

I actually really like Tofutti. It's sure not low-fat, though.

The Cookie Monster graphic is awesome!

troubleinchina said...

So why is it that they inevitably taste like ass? And I find myself going back to terrible shit like Mallomars and Hostess Cupcakes?

Well, Belledame, it's because you're a bad feminist. *nodnod* That's why. EVIL. EVIL!!!!

3-ingrediant peanut butter cookies aren't too bad. Just...weird. Cuz they have only three ingredients and that strikes me as some sort of moral problem.

Kim said...

"Well, Belledame, it's because you're a bad feminist. *nodnod* That's why."

HA!
Oh, that's perfect!
This post is cracking me up left and right!

Daisy said...

The Paul Newman brand organic Ginger-O's dipped in milk are to die for.

Daisy said...

Yes, I know, that wasn't a vegan thing to say. :(

Kristin said...

Yeah, for me... I mostly stay away from the pre-packaged stuff. I am a snob about my baked goods. I find that Whole Foods has excellent homemade cakes, cookies, muffins, and... Their *brownies* are amazing.

I have no Whole Foods where I currently live... :( There is *one* good bakery, but it's small, with a limited selection, and I sometimes end up buying a sour cherry pistachio tarte when I *actually* wanted something chocolate and rich.

I tried a Paul Newman cookie once long ago. Did. Not. Like. I also have scary memories of a chocolate organic cookie that I bought long ago--sweetened only with apple juice. It tasted like a chocolate apple cookie. I'm all about using alternative sweeteners 'n' all, but seriously... It's not *supposed* to actually taste like apple.

Kristin said...

Oh, and I've had delicious vegan cakes--usually made by friends. Also, there's a delicious vegan cup-cake bakery somewhere in DC. I started out liking chocolate/silken tofu type deserts as a result of the Whole Foods vegan chocolate mousse. And, while I certainly prefer my butter cream frosting, I quite like the kind made of silken tofu.

As for vegan cookies--I'm with GG on the "dry, hard, hockey puck" description.

Emily said...

Seconded.

I'm vegan and I've pretty much given up on buying cookies because I can make ones that are ten times better. I'm not sure why vegan bakeries can't get it together. I made my own wedding cake because (aside from the cost) I know that if I'd left it to someone else, it would have come out like crap.

Bread doesn't need eggs, tho. Water, yeast, oil, and flour are all you need.

PhysioProf said...

As far as mass-produced pastries go, Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets are beeyootiful!!!!

belledame222 said...

see, I tried the Ginger-O's, and...nada. I tried his version of oreos, and..."is that all there is?" I thought to myself.

You know what I do end up eating the whole box of? York Peppermint Patty cookies. they remind me of the "Mystic Mints" (I think? or are those the Girl Scout Cookies? that's something else) of my yoot, which were like mint oreos dipped in chocolate and were probably made with lard or some such before they switched to partially hydrogenated petroleum or whatever it is that's even worse for you these days. They were simply divoon.

Girl Scout mint cookie ain't bad either, especially in the freezer.

Now? Now I have in the fridge a box of something called "Back to Nature" chocolate mint cookies, which vaguely resemble the Girl Scout Thin Mints (that was it)...but, they are NOT. They taste. like ASS.

I looked at the ingredients briefly: sure enough, no eggs (do GS Thin Mints have those?) Oil, yes, palm, not the hydrogenated kind. And instead of the deadly High Fructose Corn Syrup, "evaporated cane syrup." Lots of "evaporated cane syrup."

Here is my question.

1) Why does it need to be "evaporated?"

2) whatever happened to, oh, what's it called, SUGAR?

3) butter and even yes! lard! taste a lot better than any of this other CRAP. THAT's what I thought I was getting with something called "Back to Nature" ffs. food that comes from FOOD, not a gorram lab. I didn't ask for all this fracking coy -evaporated- shit EITHER.

ME WANT REAL COOKIE

Kristen said...

Belle,

If you want delicious cookies - you have to bake them yourself...it's one of those horrible facts of life. Like pie and buttermilk bread.

But I will share with you my favorite cookie recipe which I swear is only slightly more difficult than opening those annoying packages.

Blend together

1c butter flavored shortening (yes, I know it will kill you but you'll die with a delicious cookie in your mouth so it will be worth it)

-3/4c light brown sugar

-1c sugar

Blend for about 2 minutes until its all about the same color/texture.

In a separate bowl, stir together until mixed

-2 1/4 cups of flour

-1t salt

-1 1/2t baking POWDER (not soda like the Nestle recipe)

In the first bowl (the one with the sugar and shortening), while blending slowly add in order making sure one ingredient is incorporated before adding the next:

-2 eggs

-2t vanilla extract

-The dry ingredients from the other bowl

Then, mix in the package of chocolate chips (giradelli if you can find). You can also add nuts here if you like.

Form the mixture into a big tube.

Cut the tube into as many parts as you want. The whole recipe makes 5 dozen cookies which can been frozen for 8 weeks or refrigerated for a week. I usually cut it up into 10 sections (6 cookies per section) and take them out of the freezer as needed to thaw before baking.

Wrap the sections you want for immediate use in wax or parchment paper and stick them in the fridge for 45 minutes (you can skip this step if you want, it just helps make them chewier). Take the others, wrap them in wax/parchment, put them in a ziplock bag and stick them in the freezer.

When you're ready to cook a batch, put them in the oven for 10 to 12 minutes at 375.

Voila! Fresh, gourmet, as organic as what you put into them...and FAR faster than going to the grocery store.

Kristin said...

For packaged cookies--Agreed, neither Girl Scouts Thin Mints nor the Keebler version of those are bad.

But yeah, they have that high fructose corn syrup. Have you been reading Michael Pollan?

belledame222 said...

3-ingrediant peanut butter cookies aren't too bad. Just...weird. Cuz they have only three ingredients and that strikes me as some sort of moral problem.

What are the other two ingredients?

I can kind of see it because peanut butter has the fat/"mouth feel" and some sweetness and maybe even carb-y bulk, all in one already.

and hey, chocolate truffles: good chocolate, some cream, maybe a shot of liqueur, freezer. Who could ask for anything more?

as you say, ultimately one probably needs to DIY to get what one truly wants in this our modern woild.

point is, I'm lazy and cranky and want cheap thrills NOW.

belledame222 said...

Kristen-with-an-e: ooo, recipe! thank you!

-some- day I will actually do something that takes an effort. not till after I move tho'.

not a pie person anyway, perhaps fortunately.

Kristin-with-an-i: no, for the same reason I won't read that "Fast Food Nation" guy. I am aware in a muted sort of way of Just How Bad That Shit Is in x billion ways, but for the moment prefer denial, thanks. as noted: I am, yes, a very bad feminist. bad health, bad environment, bad labor practice, bad everything. no cookie for me.

Nick Kiddle said...

I'm probably being a stupid Brit here, but what's so wrong with biscuits (cookies are what we call biscuits, right?) that are hard and fairly dry? How else are you supposed to dip them into your cuppa?

And I have a couple of reasonable cake recipes left over from my vegan days if anyone's interested.

Kristen said...

3 ingredient Peanut Butter Cookies

- 1c peanut butter
- 1c sugar
- 1 egg

Mix. Make into 1 inch balls. They can also be refrigerated- for a week or frozen for 8 weeks.

8-10 minutes at 400.

[And to make them super duper good, add a tablespoon on maple syrup.)

Kristen said...

[Sorry for being recipe lady. :) Baking it my favorite hobby...]

belledame222 said...

biscuits = ! cookies. i do not care for biscuits. i like big and sloppy and moist and oozy with chocolate: I am PROUD TO BE AN AMURRICANNNN

queen emily said...

Biscuity neo-imperialism at its finest :P

belledame222 said...

-salutes, misty-eyed-

Tom Nolan said...

I once knew a girl who worked behind the counter at "Milly's Cookies" and she used to bring home bag-fulls of these sweating, suppurating, super-abundant biscuit disks that looked like props from "Star Trek". They gave us both pimples, but they were worth it.