Sunday, April 09, 2006

"Sex is for fags"

This is too perfect:

"Abstinence-Only Coolness for Boys"

Having sex is NOT cool, no matter what the mainstream liberal media tells you. Girls' vaginas are just like venus flytraps: multi-fanged jaws waiting for your tasty bits to slither into their poisonous quicksand. So no matter how much it seems to hurt not to find solace in sticky backseat groping sessions, don't give in to temptation. But how? Simple! Just get heavy into these ten awesome sex-avoidance activities!

As your awkward, gangly body begins to grow – your muscles blooming, your willowy penis thickening into a sturdy tool, you need the guidance of a middle-aged man who likes to play dress-up and go camping in the woods with hordes of young boys. Then at night, when you're Indian Wrestling wearing the traditional bison hide thong and nothing else, you'll find your burning hunger for "squaw beaver" will flicker out like a citronella candle choked with dead skeeters!

Nothing gets icky premarital sex off the brain better than an impromptu game of touch football with your Sex is for Fags brothers. Sinful thoughts dissipate like magic while you writhe under a pile of your buddies' taut high school bodies, bulging zippers grazing firm buttocks, touching, tackling, and wrestling. Then afterwards, you can all take a long, hot, group shower and talk about baseball!

You know that kid in school who dresses a little too well and has lots of platonic "girlfriends"? Yeah, the one who once wore green on Thursday and listens to Britney? Wait for him after school, and once he's walked out of Drama Club, crack him in the kidneys with a golf club. If no one's around, do it again. For good measure, sit on his face and tell him what a homo he is. Of course, you might feel a little worked up after this, so it's okay to take a ball peen hammer to your testicles for relief.

Spending countless hours playing Halo 2, Doom 3 or Medal of Honor helps you focus on the important things in life, like computer-generated mass murder. It's a valuable skill set, especially for those looking to pursue a career in the military – a noble profession where one blissfully marinates with men in tight spaces for months on end. So the next time your man-pipes rumble, simply take your desires to touch, grope, and melt into another human being, and funnel them into a wholesome virtual homicidal bloodbath!


Note: that site is for Boys Only, Girls Keep Out. Go to their sister site instead,
Iron Hymen. With a special message from Mrs. George W. Bush:

Take it from me, girls – there's no good reason to rush into S-E-X. That's why I hope these scientific facts help you choose abstinence, so you need never know the heartbreak of being trapped in a loveless marriage just because you drank too many margaritas one night and gave up your honey pot to a pushy young cokehead from a so-called 'good family.'"

Shout-out to the excellent Kaleiodoglide for the link.


Thin Black Duke said...

Wow. Thanks for these links.

Well on second thought, maybe not. I fear I'm going to spend WAY too much time reading through these sites. :)

Txfeminist said...

That's hysterical.

DanProject76 said...

I love it, it's a work of satirical genius.

Some of the more Conservative American blogs I visit for fun may think it is a very good idea though. Scary!