Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I'm so goddam weak

Apologies to White Bear, who is understandably feeling oogy at the recent spate of her blogpals' linking to assorted reactionaries who, besides espousing completely horrifying positions, would seem to have the collective IQ of a small, unripe radish.

She's right. It's wrong to indulge in this sort of sport too often. It's depressing, ultimately. It's not helpful to reasoned discourse. And, frankly, it's cheap and tacky.

buticanthelpmyselfjusthisonemoreokayokay

i mean:

THIS GUY


...is just glorious.

He was outraged, you see, at an article written by a conscienceless young woman talking all about her abortion. Source of the article: The Onion.

There is something perversely uplifting about the uniting effect this level of stupidity can have. 870 comments and counting. And all of them, pro-life and pro-choice alike, can agree, if on nothing else in this life, on this one sentiment:

"GodDAM, boy, you're dumber than a truck fulla chickens goin' to town."

(A real example, one of many which just made my day:

I'm pro life, but sweet Jesus you're an idiot. For your next post, how about a passionate speech on the need to immediately free Prince Albert from the can?)

And now, bless his ears and whiskers, he's gone and posted a follow-up. Which has 667 replies (and counting). And why not?

Needless to say, a few people wanted to let me know that I was a dolt for thinking that her article was real. As a matter of fact, call me a dolt, because in the beginning I really did think it was real. Why? because I meet women like her in the field all the time...

Satire? Was the article aiming at the women who have the abortions or the people who believe it is better to save lives than kill them?

Hmm, let's look up the term satire:

“witty language used to convey insults or scorn; "he used sarcasm to upset his opponent"”

Either way, I think I did a good job of turning the “satire” right back at them, don’t you?


It is a gift. A GIFT.


On edit: Aw crap, Pete pulled the plug on the comments. I managed to snag a few of the choicer ones while the window was still open. For posterity:

But Pete, the Onion article is from 1999. Don't you think you should
try to track her down and see if her views have changed in the last
seven years? That should be easy to do, except for how she's completely
imaginary.

**

I just wanted to participate in this special moment, when people from
all over the internet came together and joyously mocked the blinkered
oaf who wrote this.
I look forward in years to come to telling my children that, yes, I
was there on THAT day. If I don't decide to abort them first, that is.
Oh, and in the case of the first two the abortion will have to be
retroactive.

**

Dear sir,

While I am uncertain that you have a central nervous system of
sufficient complexity to register high-level emotions such as
embarrassment or shame, I still must implore you: please, please,
please... no matter how many people on this comment thread cast doubt
on your mental capacities or call you "asshat" it is imperitive that
you never delete this entry. You have accidentally written the funniest
thing in history.

Johnathan Swift and Voltaire working together for a hundred years
could not surpass you.

This must be preserved for posterity.

**

Dude, you put the "E" in "Stupid"

**

You tell 'em Pete!

Don't listen to these liberal pinko shmucks telling you that this is
some sort of 'satire'. You've done a thorough and impressive job of
debunking this Miss Weber bitch and those communist babykilling faggots
know they don't have one single idea or argument that can stand up to
your rigorous intellectual scrutiny. Their only hope now is to whine
'But we were only joking' like the crybabies they are and try to make
you look like some sort of dumbass. Pay no attention! Real Americans
can spot the truth a mile away, you mark my words.

These unChristian fucks pulled the same shit on us when we used an
Onion article to expose Harry Potter for the Satanist cult it was. One
minute we had a grassroots campaign bandwagon going, the next minute
this 'satire' tag gets laid on it, and every punk-ass motherfucker on
the internet starts laughing at us. It took us MONTHS to live that shit
down.

Well I say enough! To hell with this liberal satire bullcrap. I'm
armed, I'm a christian and I'm not afraid to defend my way of life with
extreme prejudice! The next time one of you babykilling terrorist
faggots wants to debase MY goddamn country and MY goddamn religion with
this so-called "satire" shit, I'm going to grab the first
motherfucking liberal abortionist I come across and ram my bible and a
copy of the Bill of Rights up the bastard's ass. See how you'd like
THAT, you satirical internet motherfuckers!

**

Pete and Repeat were out in a boat, Pete fell out; who was left in the
boat? Pete and Repeat were out in a boat, Pete fell out; who was left
in the boat? Pete and Repeat were out in a boat, Pete fell out; who was
left in the boat? Pete and Repeat were out in a boat, Pete fell out;
who was left in the boat? Pete and Repeat were out in a boat, Pete fell
out; who was left in the boat? I don't get it, signed, Pete

**

Even *I* knew that was satire.

--Terri Schiavo

**

Don't let 'em get you down. so what if hundreds of people around the
country (maybe the world) know you as 'that dipshit who can't
understand a joke'. Your heart was in the right place. You didn't
insult Miss Caroline Weber, and instead said you would pray for her.
Thats big of you, and if she existed, i'm sure she'd appreciate it. And
you're standing up for what you believe in, and thats honorable too.
Next time just go after something real. AND you genuinely feel that
abortion is murder and you're doing all this because you care. Good for
you I say. Oh and incidentally this isn't one of those things that
just goes away. I totally showed all my friends.

--Ovary Omelette

**

One you might have missed from this week's Onion is "Just Wait 'Til I
Get These Fucking Rubber Bands Off" by Freddie the Lobster.

Judging by his photo, Freddie is indeed a real live lobster, so he
*must* have written the accompanying column. Apparently, we are all in
for it if somebody pulls the rubber bands off Freddie's claws, because
he is seriously pissed.

**

Hi Pete,

Thanks for posting my story on your site. I really appreciate the free
publicity you're giving us abortionists. Its through supporters like
you that our quest to kill as many babies as we can continues to
thrive.

As a show of gratitude, I invite you to my next abortion, which is
scheduled for next October 27th at Planned Parenthood. Afterwards we're
having another abortion party, and will be drinking the fetus' blood!
Its gonna be so much fun, and we'd all love to have you.

Thanks again for the plug,

Caroline Weber

**

I can't believe how cruel everybody here is being. A post like this is
a gift. You're supposed to make fun of people like this behind their
backs, mostly so they won't stop what they're doing.

Seriously, fuck you guys for being so nasty. Now I'm feeling sympathy
for an addled loon who'd just as soon see me dead.

**

Wow. I almost find no need to post here after seeing everybody cover
every base. But I thought I would just make it known, because of this
article, because of your stupidity, and because even after you made
such an enormous mistake and STILL tried to defend yourself, I have
decided I am pro-choice. It was a choice I'd been trying to make for a
while now, I'm a very thoughtful person. But I will not be assosciated
with people like you. So for all it might be worth, Thank you.

**

although i prefer fingering, i will engage in deep and vigorous
penetration with the man who maintains this site. maybe he will
impregnate me. maybe he will make me into his female slave.

**

We need your help protesting against bonsaikitten.com! They kill
kittens!

**

i can't add a thing to the discussion.
i just can't pile on.
nope not gonna do it.
as much as i would like to, not gonna happen.
uh uhh.

twit.

8 comments:

Bitch | Lab said...

that's hilarious. i'm glad you were weak. i never would have known about this guy.

i love how he "meets them every day in the field." Elusian fields? Strawberry fields? What?

seriously, dude, name fucking names and be accountable for your claims. say, in public, who these women are and let's hear from them. what an ass.

belledame222 said...

He means the women he meets whilst standing outside the abortion clincis, a-picketing and a-racing. and he probably doesn't have names because, if they've any sense at all, they don't *tell* him.

bluwhisper said...

As a matter of fact, call me a dolt, because in the beginning I really did think it was real. Why? because I meet women like her in the field all the time...

Women like her? Would that include women being sarcastic and using satire that he doesn't understand because he's a dolt?

belledame222 said...

"Women like her" would be imaginary women; which, as a matter of fact, I can well believe he meets pretty frequently...

Blackamazon said...

tHis is so funny my chest hurts

EL said...

Damn, that's satisfyingly dumb.

Natalia said...

That was hysterical. Thank you so much.

amy said...

Stupendous. Made my night. I'm so glad you saved those comments -- and can't believe he removed them but kept The Onion article as evidence.