Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Questions for the women in particular

although i won't forbid anyone else to answer, if the spirit moves you.

How comfortable are you with saying "no," in general? In any particular situation?

How able are you to identify and ask for what you want? In general? In any particular situation?

How do you deal with anger?

How "in your skin" do you feel? Are you at home in your body? How easily do you identify physical sensations and/or emotions?

Curious. thanks in advance.



In general, I love saying the word "no". It makes me feel a sense of independence (i.e. I have a choice in a matter -- whatever that may be at that moment -- and I'm choosing to say no.) Having said that, I'll add that I'm *horrible* at saying no when I'm not really sure what I want. If I'm undecided about something, I prefer to say "maybe" and leave my options open instead of saying "no" and closing a door.

Unsane said...

I've pretty much figured everything out. I'm not socially obligated in any sense. There are no social contracts. Most people have a much fuzzier idea of themselves than I do of myself, so I am the one who should be responsible for social quality control.

Renegade Evolution said...

I am very comfortable with saying no...cause I am so selfish and all, heh. I just never went for doing things I did not want to, which makes no easy.

I am really good at identifying and asking for what I want...to the point of being annoying.

Um...not well? I anger easily, and I have a bad temper to start with. Rage issues? Yep, have those. I find ranting, working out, or having it out with people who have pissed me off helps though.

I am pretty "at one" with my body, especially in the physical sense. Emotions? Eh, a bit more sketchy, but still pretty at home.

Alex said...

How comfortable are you with saying "no," in general? In any particular situation?

In general, I'd say fifty-fifty, but that's because most of the things I'm asked to do are task-related, and I kind of come from a mindset that says "DON'T GIVE UP! NEVER SAY DIE! Gnargaack--"

In specific, I am usually loathe to say no to my parents because it inevitably brings up fighting, and I've always (thus far) been able to say no to sexual advances I didn't want.

How able are you to identify and ask for what you want? In general? In any particular situation?

In general, pretty good. With food? I can only tell you what I DON'T want, which drives some people mad...

How do you deal with anger?

Depends on my mood. If I'm irritable, I'll blow up. If I am feeling calm (outside of the anger), I'll try and discuss. If I'm already feeling sad, I shut down, sometimes cry.

How "in your skin" do you feel? Are you at home in your body? How easily do you identify physical sensations and/or emotions?

I'd say I'm extremely into my skin. My body is sometimes a fucker, in that it does weird shit that hurts often, but I'm hungry when I'm hungry, hurt when I'm hurt, and horny when I'm horny.

I also know how I feel, although sometimes pinpointing exact words for the feeling can be hard (but see my comment about perfectionism above).

Today's word verification wants me to take a vacation: jiapn.

A White Bear said...

1. Sadly, it depends how badly I believe the other person needs me to say "yes." Friend calls and I'm really busy but she wants to go for coffee? No, I can't. Friend calls and is suicidal and needs to borrow $200 and I'm really busy? Uh, um, okay, sure.

2. Usually I have pretty specific desires, or at least a range of possible desires that has very specific boundaries.

3. I express it through controlled but enraged speech. I can't hide anger well.

4. I am happy and at home in my body, and very aware of physical sensations. However, I suck and figuring out what is up with my emotions, unless they manifest themselves as stomach-queasiness or something physical.


Cheryl said...

Am I a more average American woman? One too young to really "get" the Women's Movement the first modern time around and one whose early life was steeped in Donna Reed domestic expectations. Beside being raised in the family of an alcoholic.

It's hard to say no, I was raised to please others even if it meant sacrificing or inconveniencing myself. Until some recent sucesses in therapy, it has been difficult to identify and assert my needs. I historically deal with anger by bottling it up; I've recently begun counting to ten then addressing the issue that's made me angry (when appropriate and safe to do so).

I've always felt fairly comfortable with body image, especially since I've grown older and said, "Fuck it." I have always revelled in sensations and have always been fairly attuned to emotions, mine and others.

I think I'm probably more representative of the traditionally raised woman who was too young to understand the late 60's and early 70's yet never got on the train in the Eighties. I think this makes me very much like many women living in more traditional slices of American culture, like red states.

Hope this helps you get to wherever you're going with this, Bells

Donna said...

I'm a pretty straight forward person so saying no or asking for what I want isn't a problem.

With anger, generally I think about it and ask myself, is it worth getting worked up about? If it's not I blow it off, if it is or I think it's something that will continue to happen I try to head it off at the pass. I'll discuss it as rationally as possible with the person angering me for instance, or if I think that isn't possible, with someone else who is a good listener to see if I can somehow come to grips with it (I use my blog for that sometimes). But...I have road rage. Bad drivers annoy the hell out of me, and I'm not even an especially good driver. LOL

I'm ok with my body and emotions. If I could wave a wand and change things, sure I'd do it, but otherwise I'm fine with who I am.

I met one person in my life who could not under any circumstances say no. He was a good friend of my boyfriend at the time. For example, if you asked a favor and he either couldn't do it or didn't want to do it he would pretend he didn't hear you. I'd seen him do it on many occasions and those of us who knew him also knew if he ignored you the answer was no. But my cousin wasn't having any of that and got right in his face and asked again and again, and all he did was stare at her blankly. I've never seen anything like it. I finally had to tell her, "Barb, he doesn't want to do it." and of course she said, "why doesn't he just say no???"

Daisy said...

In general I've gotten a lot better at saying "no," in the last few years. When I was younger, it sometimes felt impossible. Thses days I have a lot of touble saying "yes."

I am usually excellent at identifying what I want, but I'm really bad at asking for it.

(I thought about both of those questions mostly in terms of food and sex, because that seemed to make sense.)

I've never found any good way to deal with anger -- it's the one emotion I can't really process. I don't know how to talk about it, I don't know how to write about it, I don't know what to do with it. I used to cut myself; now I just shake.

When I was a young adolescent and thought I was straight, I felt completely disconnected from my body. It was an ugly cage and I hated it. I only felt like I was inside it when I was hurting it. That really changed when I figured out I like girls -- I remember saying, "I'm gay and I love my body!" and watching my friends' jaws drop. Everyone knew I was gay long before I did, but no one could believe the complete turn-around in my relationship with my physical self.

I'm curious about why you're curious.

Ravenmn said...

How comfortable are you with saying "no," in general? In any particular situation?

I'm quite good at this now, but it took a massive amount of effort in my mid-20s. I had NEVER refused a request from someone who I believed had more power. I probably spent a year and a half training myself to say "no" and another year or more learning how to ask someone else to do something for me. Damn glad I made the effort.

How able are you to identify and ask for what you want? In general? In any particular situation?

What a timely question. I spent this past weekend partnerless and childless and grandchildless for the first time in years. It took me a ridiculously long time to come up with an idea of what to do to enjoy myself and meet my own needs. It had me laughing out loud. I ended up reading a good book for hours on end. It was lovely.

How do you deal with anger?

I totally suck at it. I cry, sometimes uncontrollably. It's a skill I still need to work on. Growing up with a psycho parent meant that getting angry could endanger my life, literally. So I cut myself a lot of slack on this particular weakness. Crying can be embarrassing, but it's not the end of the world.

How "in your skin" do you feel? Are you at home in your body? How easily do you identify physical sensations and/or emotions?

All praise to the Michigan Women's Musical Festival for my comfort level. I saw so many women of all different sizes and shapes being comfortable in states of undress or near undress. I realized the female body is damned beautiful no matter what shape she takes. So I love me my many rolls and bumps. My pasty white, easily bruised, veiny body is fascinating and fun to inhabit. I feel as if I need to qualify this by saying I am 50 years old and in a long-term relationship, so I am free from some of the pressures that younger, single women must experience. OTOH, I dare you to go to a women's festival and not come back feeling better about yourself! It can't be done.

For Daisy: shaking is so much better than cutting. Good on you for that. Hugs to you and good wishes for more progress.

tekanji said...

How comfortable are you with saying "no," in general? In any particular situation?

The closer I am with someone, the more comfortable I am saying no straight out. If it it someone who I am not comfortable with, I'll make non-commital semi-negative answers to diffuse the situation without getting into a confrontation.

I do not, however, do things that I am uncomfortable with unless there is a mitigating reason. Though at the moment I can't think of anything that would qualify as a mitigating reason.

How able are you to identify and ask for what you want? In general? In any particular situation?

Usually pretty good.

There have been a few times where I have gone into things (mostly buying stuff for my house) where I haven't had a good idea, and all of those times I've regretted the purchase I was encouaged to make. I'm hoping that I've learned my lesson that nothing substitues for research and a firm idea of what I want/need.

How do you deal with anger?

I let it out using some combination of resolving the issue, complaining to friends/family, or writing about it.

How "in your skin" do you feel? Are you at home in your body? How easily do you identify physical sensations and/or emotions?

These days I'm pretty happy with myself. Aside from the year and a half I was in an abusive relationship, I've never been truly unhappy with my body, but it's taken years to finally get to a point where I feel that I'm adequately expressing me.

In terms of physical sensations/emotions, I guess I'm pretty normal. I've never had issues with each. Although, interestingly, I think I have the hardest time recognizing stress (it takes physical problems for me to stop and go, "Uh, maybe I should relax a bit."), but other than that I've always felt it was important to be in touch with my own emotions, and physical touching has always been an important part of my interactions with friends, family, and lovers.

meva said...

Can of bloody worms here! Wow! I won't even say 'no' to answering this post...

So, obviously, I find it really difficult to say 'no'. In just about any situation. Sexual advances are usually pretty easily handled, though, by 'misunderstanding' intentions. But I generally don't resent doing things I've agreed to do, because I've agreed to them. Very big things I feel able to refuse if I don't agree with them, or really don't want to do them.

Oh, I can identify what I want. And I'm getting better at asking. At work and at home. But 'could try harder' in this area.

I don't get angry. I get depressed.

My body has been kind to me. I think I look alright. I'm healthy. I read my signs, both physical and emotional.

lilcollegegirl said...

Ha, the comments stopped being insolent. As for no, I feel comfortable saying it to anyone but my guilt-trippy family members, who I consequently just avoid.
In general, I know what I want, but if it conflicts with what my roommates specifically want, I tend not to say anything, because roommates are the kind of people I desperately want to avoid pissing off, given how capable they are of making your life hell otherwise. The only other place I have trouble both expressing want and identifying it is in sexual situations. I have trouble identifying mostly because of inexperience, but even though I've managed being able to express what I want (since I know how essential it is), I tend to say it in Japanese rather than English, because it feels more private, at least here in America. As for anger, I'm one of the seething/crying types first, then I bitch to friends/write poetry about it, then I talk to the person involved when I think that will make a difference. I can easily feel most physical sensations except non-severe/acute pain (i.e. slight cramping or headache) and sometimes hunger, both of which I have a tendency to ignore. I understand my own emotions pretty well, with the exception of one, which manifests as this unsettling restless feeling whose origin I can't figure out. I love my body most of the time, but unfortunately not so much for itself although I I love some things about it like that, but because my body type is the kind that society says is "good." I used to think I really was good with it, until I recently and ridiculously flipped the hell out because I had gone up a pants size (from a junior size 1 to a size 3), so I definitely have to work on that, although I think the very flippage out helped with that a little. Can't fix the problem you don't know you have.

Rootietoot said...

I don't particularly like saying no, because don't want people to dislike me if I do. I have learned (finally) that much of the time people wont think ill of me if I say no. I'm not talking sexually- I mean, like if they ask me to chair a committee or something.

I rarely ask for what I want, because if I don't ask, then I won't be turned down. However, if someone asks me what I want, then I'll tell them. In general. If I want something specific, I'll think on it and weigh my options before asking.

Dealing with anger, I clean the house. I write. Then I get over it. I never stay mad longer than a couple of weeks. (ha)

I hate my body. It has let me down and I resent it. It's not a matter of how it looks, it's quite acceptable there, but there's just so much WRONG with it that prevents me from having the fun I'd like to have. As far as being in tune with it- I am very aware of what's what and how. Emotions get easier to identify and deal with as I get older. Therapy helped with that.

belledame222 said...

>I'm curious about why you're curious.

Just, the Eternal Feminist Wars have often frustrated me, because so often for Personal is Political stuff, it tends to get away from the personal, or conflate the personal and political in ways i think isn't so much helpful. my own psych-tinged attempt at "consciousness raising," i guess. i figure it's better to ask the questions rather than start with the answers, tempted as i've been to do the latter.

>When I was a young adolescent and thought I was straight, I felt completely disconnected from my body>

*nod* I can relate to that, to some degree at least. Yeah--that's what's fuelling my own personal interest as well i suppose: my experience that shutting down on one part (i.e. sexuality, sexual desire) can never be done in isolation; inevitably it affects your whole being one way or another.

mariamariacuchita said...

I feel pretty comfortable with saying no and sticking to it.
Not much gets pushed on me.
I am assertive, but not aggressive.
When i want something, i go for it.

not a ranter, not easily angered, but when someone really pushes my boundaries, watch out.

Molly Montrevoir said...

I have said "no" in fear, in anger, and with compassion. I have said "no, but what about..." and I have said "not just yet... wait."

I like to say what I want but I need to believe that the person I am telling is open, curious, and interested. I often know what I want, and can name it, but what I want is not always easy for others to give.

I rarely get angry. When I get angry at people I love, I often internalize. It's hard to tell them. When I get angry about a situation outside of my intimate life, I get charged up -- motivated -- energized. I want to kick ass. And sometimes I do!

I love being in my skin. That's something I've discovered only in the last few years. Praise be for yoga, good sex, good food, sweet friends, appreciative voyeurs :)

Emotions are easier for me to name than physical sensations. Physical sensations flood over me and I don't have as large a vocabulary with which to describe them. When something feels wonderful I am more concerned with saying "yes," and "more," and "don't stop," than I am with naming the sensation!

belledame222 said...

hey, welcome, Molly!

Donna said...

After reading the answers you are getting I think alot of the feeling that you are acceptable, whether physically or mental/emotional, has to do with age. If you can't like yourself, you at least learn to accept what you have and work it the best that you can, or live your entire life hating yourself. I hope not many live like that.

I can also see why a gay/lesbian person would have that disconnect with their sexuality at a very young age or even anyone who identifies sexually with something that society deems "bad". BDSM for instance, or even normative sexual relations if you were taught that all sex is dirty.

If you are lucky you have parents or others in your life who will tell you early that you are acceptable no matter what society says, otherwise it's another one of those things you learn with age and realizing how many people are like you and how many people don't care.

I used to be shy and thought everyone was watching me and waiting for me to make mistakes so that they could laugh at me. I was later told by "an enemy" that I am full of myself and no one cares that much about me to be watching me. It was a great lesson because it's true. Most people do not care! If you make a mistake, you're the one who will be kicking yourself long after everyone else has forgotten it. I'm still a relatively reserved person (offline) but I wouldn't say that I am shy anymore. If I have something to say, I say it.

I have also learned that the emotion that gives me the most trouble at my age is regret. I can't tell you how often I wish I could go back and do so many things differently. Actually I would like to go back and live my entire life all over again, but of course it would only work if I know what I know now. I console myself knowing that even if I could do that, who knows what other and possibly worse mistakes I would have made if I did do things differently. Besides some mistakes I have made have had great outcomes. I was accepted at Boston University but once I saw the city I was scared so badly I broke out in hives all over my body. I ended up at the University of Maine Presque Isle instead and while there met my husband. So it would have been a bad trade off, a great education, but without my husband or children.

Daisy said...

Just, the Eternal Feminist Wars have often frustrated me, because so often for Personal is Political stuff, it tends to get away from the personal, or conflate the personal and political in ways i think isn't so much helpful.


When I was a little girl, I asked my mom what that phrase meant (the personal is political) and she said that people's personal circumstances are often influenced by the larger system, which is very different, I think, from this notion that people's personal choices reinforce the system. Not that they don't, it's just that some people are applying this weird, inverted interpretation -- "Wearing lipstick contributes to the patriarchy," instead of, "The patriarchy is the reason you feel like you should wear lipstick." And the second sentence seems a lot friendlier and more productive, to me at least.

Okay, sorry -- separate conversation.

belledame222 said...

it's one we've been having hither and yon, though, and part of the impetus for this. yeah, and real or consciousness raising imo is "this is what it's like for me;" "oh yeah, me too;" not so much "I'm cold; put on a sweater." you know?

Amber said...

Just popping in to say...

This is a GREAT question! (And it's inspired me to write a post on the matter on my own blog, whenever I get the time.) I've been thinking about it since I read it this morning... but I've been drowning in work all day so no time to write an adequate response.

I will asap, though! Just wanted to let you know that I think this is awesome.

petitpoussin said...

1. I'm very good at saying no in certain situations -- at work, for example. I know how much is too much (a must to avoid burnout in the nonprofit game). Relationships/friendships have been another matter. Working on that.

2. Asking: Again, professionally, no problem. Personally, with my closest friends, no problem. With newer friends or in relationships, I balk.

Identifying? It's hard to say. Even if I can't always say it, I know my comfort level. I have always known who I am and what I want. It's just a matter of saying so to the right people.

3. Haha, now THAT is situational! When I'm in a safe situation I try to figure out why, say why I'm angry straight out, and I'll even listen to the other side of things. When I don't feel safe expressing myself (and we've had that conversation) I let it bottle up, then something snaps and it's another Verbal Smackdown Carnival.

4. I am my body, I can't separate the two. I have always been extremely self-aware, and have learned how to detach a bit from an initial emotional/physical reaction to figure out the context. This is, in part, just to calm down the physical reaction, too.

This is great, BD. This post, and RE's on empowerment -- I like the story-sharing, we need to keep doing it. Like you said, helps with 'judgment, avoidance of'.

Daisy said...

Yeah, agreed.

This is something I think you've said before, more or less... There's a weird tendency around here (and elsewhere? maybe, but I've never seen it anywhere else) to focus on men when it would make sense to focus on women (is this sex act oppressive? I don't know, why do men want to do it? since men and men's desires are the important thing), and to focus on women when it would make sense not to focus at all (lipstick).

Daisy said...

I probably should have said, I know this is something you have said innumerable times.


Louisefeminista said...

I admit I am pretty crap at saying no even if I am snowed under with other stuff.
Oh and I am awful understanding or even working out what I want. It is a classic subordinating my needs to every one elses. Anger... generally i feel guilty at getting angry. I am generally at ease with my own body and I never can seem to trust my own feelings esp. in regards to other people. Confidence is the key and I lack a lot of that. And many times I fail to speak my mind (tho' can in a trade union/political situation but rarely on a personal level)but I find blogging useful for putting my ideas across.

I fight for the liberation for women and for women to be heard yet I can't apply it to myself. One bloody contradiction.

baby221 said...

How comfortable are you with saying "no," in general? In any particular situation?

In general? Pretty damn good. The only time I start getting wobbly with the "no"s is when I'm at work and have to act civil. "No, you can't have a no-foam cappuccino you Starbucks-educated fool" becomes "Well I can certainly make you a no-foam latte..."

How able are you to identify and ask for what you want? In general? In any particular situation?

Asking for what I want, no problem. Identifying whether I actually want something is a little more difficult, because often I find that some superficial wants actually mask deeper needs. This doesn't, of course, apply to food cravings -- but in more nebulous things like relationships it's tantamount for me to be able to discern the difference between a band-aid and a cure, if you get me.

How do you deal with anger?

It depends on how angry I am. If it's a minor annoyance, I probably blog it, or otherwise complain about it to some audience or another, and let it go. But the more angry I am, the quieter and more reserved I become, until I reach a breaking point at which time all hell breaks loose and I let fly with insults and built-up grievances that I'd never even dream of hurling in a normal state of mind.

Because the thing is -- when I get that angry, I actively enjoy watching the words find their mark, and I feel powerful knowing that I have brought someone to their heart's knees. And worse? I'm not sorry. Very rarely have I gone that rageful and then actually felt bad for whatever I had said or done, no matter how badly I wounded the other person. It's cold, but there you have it.

How "in your skin" do you feel? Are you at home in your body? How easily do you identify physical sensations and/or emotions?

I'm pretty cozy in my own skin. Every now and then I like adding an appendage here or there (yay strap-ons!) but for the most part I enjoy being me. And everyone around me knows it; I tend to be listed by friends, coworkers, and classmates as "extremely confident" and "very comfortable with" myself.

Perhaps as a result, I know my own body fairly well. Even when it tries to fuck me up by getting sick, I'm excellent at identifying exactly what hurts and where and how it feels. I'm the same way with my emotions, although a little less articulate depending on how powerfully I'm feeling said emotion.

sylviasrevenge said...

How comfortable are you with saying "no," in general? In any particular situation?

I'm not comfortable with it; I do it out of necessity. If I could give everything people asked of me I probably would; but I've had enough mental implosions to know it's impossible and boundaries are needed.

How able are you to identify and ask for what you want? In general? In any particular situation?

When it comes to basic things like using the bathroom or feeding myself, I know to look for a toilet and scavenge for food. I ask for privacy and alone time, but often I get caught up in struggles for it. But I have an acute sense of when something bothers me and to put it away from myself.

How do you deal with anger?


How "in your skin" do you feel? Are you at home in your body? How easily do you identify physical sensations and/or emotions?

I recognize myself in the mirror, and I make adjustments as needed. I feel in my skin to the point where I'm trapped in it, and sometimes I like it. I feel at home in my body because I've known no other places to relocate. I can easily detect other people's discomfort, to my personal excitement, but sometimes my giddiness causes me to speak about it. I've detected that increases the discomfort.

sophie said...

Hi Belledame;

I wasn't sure at first what you meant when you first brought up the 'personal is political', but these questions just hit me. In general, they're things that I get angry about.

So here goes:
How comfortable am I at saying 'no'?
I find it much easier now that I'm old. In my twenties, it was difficult to not do something when you knew (and people guilt-tripped you about it) that it would adversely affect other people if you didn't. I think I've been hurt by this and had to make a stand for my own rights - even if it means stepping on other people's toes.
In my teens, almost impossible. I knew sometimes (not often enough) when I had to say 'no', but I'd observed and learned what I call 'submission training', and to say 'no' I had to first overcome instinctive obedience.

How able am I to identify and ask for what I want? Okay. I think I've always been able to identify. Asking involves a lot of barriers - the post I've just written here: http://www.nanowrimo.org/modules/newbb/viewtopic.php?topic_id=30302&start=0#forumpost505336& may explain it better. link

How do I deal with anger? As a child, I simply kept it, or self-harmed. Or walked till I was calm.
Those are still coping strategies, but with hormonal fluctuations I'm much more prone now to lash out violently if provoked. I also try to distil the energy a bit - it's emotion, good emotion that can drive action if it's controlled right.

How 'in my skin' do I feel? Guess I live in it - but frankly, being older has been a lesson in self-acceptance that I think I've only been able to learn by being alone, away from criticism and being told that being female means you need to cover up and pretty yourself (conflicting advice if there ever was). I feel much more at home and comfortable in it than I did as a teenager. I think I hated my physical body for a long time, for daring to be human and imperfect.
As for identifying feeling, I've never taken much interest in that. I think it comes down to interpretation anyway, and deciding whether a particular feeling is 'positive' or 'negative' isn't necessarily helpful.

Just for comparison, I'm not quite 31 and have a very religious background. I've been trying to fish for reasons for this stuff for a while (the submission training in particular) and I think a lot of it actually goes back to my mother, who was abused throughout her life. She didn't have much positive stuff to pass on. So while our generation escaped most of the abuse, I think we're still seeing the effects of it - and the religious code doesn't help, of course.

belledame222 said...

Thanks, sophie; glad to see you here.

belledame222 said...

Yeah, subtle difference, maybe, but I wasn't saying judge the feeling so much as just know what it is (anger, grief, fear, what have you). i suppose there's a way in which one might choose to work through and past all that--still, i think identifying is a key part of acceptance.

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4) Putting it in the registered profile, articles, post.

Here is a method, actually my first method that made me money. $650 in 7 days, I was pretty excited at that time.

Read more : [URL=http://klikvip-affiliate.blogspot.com/]KlikVip[/URL]

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Anonymous said...

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