hey hey HEY hey hey HEY
and i have cramps.
i can't be bothered to do all that writing on whatever it was i was going to write about. or even the Serious Reading bits.
someone entertain me.
tell me a story. some goddam thing.
yeah, YOU, i'm talking to
--oo shiny
no, not even shiny, it's lint, i hate lint.
what was i saying?
o yeah: entertain me.
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42 comments:
This is entertaining.
i'm pretty entertaining. i'm told just repeating my name is good for a giggle or two. but you want a story? what kind of story? i realize you have the attention span of a gnat right now, but you need to be more specific. romance, comedy, tragedy, mystery, ghosty???
I'm bored and I don't feel like doing my macroeconomics homework (because seriously, it is the most boring class EVAR) so I'm listening to the Original Broadway Cast Recording of RENT.
"let's open up a restaurant in Santa Fe, and save from devestation our brains...forget this cold bohemian hell!"
i LOVED macroeconomics. omg. that was my favorite class ever. my professor always related everything to beer and fried food. it was great at 8 in the morning.
Did you know that most mascara is made with bat poop?
That's the first thing that came to mind and all I've got right now..
damn, i wish my econ class had been that entertaining. although it'd be better if the prof brought the actual beer & fried foods; does sie?
anon: thanks for that, someone was telling me about the medieval help desk thing but i hadn't seen it. hyuk.
uh...story genre. uh...
comedy. possibly with ghosties. not necessarily, though.
tonks: WHAT.
okay, if i never had cause to listen to the "makeup is a tool of the Patriarchy!" crowd before, -that- might actually...
please say you're making that up.
I also find this video enormously entertaining: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0ffIyxiLxc.
Nope. I'm not. At least this is what an Arbonne lady told me. I asked my mom who confirmed it.
*hurl*
...gah, i mean...seriously, how can that be sanitary?...and...
so, wait, exactly what is the euphemism for that that gets translated into the list of ingredients? because i know i've read the side of the tube and while there were all kinds of suspicious polysyllabic words i'm quite certain none of them ever said "batshit."
otoh i really did see "placenta" listed in some hair product or other.
...yeah. truth is, if we ever learned all the ingredients of everything that went into we consume, never mind how it got there, i'm fairly certain a lot of us would retreat to a small wooden (hand-hewed) hut in the middle of the forest somewhere and live entirely off hand-grown herbs, or...
okay i'm now suddenly having this moment where EVERYTHING seems totally disgusting.
wah! that's not ENTERTAINING. now i want to go scrub my brain out with soap...which is probably made from rendered gnome fat or something...
Guano: It has a thousand and one uses!
...I wonder if it's just mascara, or eyeliner too? Not that this would necessarily stop me. (I mean, that would just mean a key ingredient in my nocturnal palette is, not to put too fine a point on it, used bugs. Which, hello. Tres gothique.)
bugs?
that's not -bugs-.
i mean, i learned to deal with the cochineal thing.
but guano...that just -can't- be sanitary.
and whose fucking brilliant idea was that anyway ffs?
It as something to do with the sheen of the mascara.
I've tried to think of something amusing to tell you but am failing miserably. Here's a joke my 4-year old made up himself and finds utterly hysterical:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lion.
Lion who?
Lion poop!
Hahahahahah!!! :)
hm, i'm sensing a theme here...
that's not -bugs-.
Well, technically, not anymore.
Yeah...I just put up a poop related post on my blog tonight, too. With a 2-year old and 4-year old in the house poop is very important and often discussed (with me saying in exasperation, "Guys, everybody poops...).
I need to stop now and go to bed.
It may be gross but you have been entertained, no?
hmmm, poo posts. thank god i can't wear make-up. maybe i'm allergic to bat dung.....wonder if they test for that...
A co-worker's dermatologist gave her some lotion that's made with...
wait for it...
foreskins.
Yes, foreskins. From newborns! (Because apparently that makes a difference.)
(I mean, that would just mean a key ingredient in my nocturnal palette is, not to put too fine a point on it, used bugs. Which, hello. Tres gothique.)
I seem to recall reading that lipstick actually includes butterfly wing scales. I think it was in a book called The Secret House - if you read it, you may never want to consume dairy products or use toothpaste ever again.
Hey, BD, I'm going to be in NYC June 7-11 if you want to get together in a well-lit public place or something.
A co-worker's dermatologist gave her some lotion that's made with...
wait for it...
foreskins.
Yes, foreskins. From newborns! (Because apparently that makes a difference.)
Whatever you do, just don't rub your face.
my favourite one at the mo
for the usual obvious reasons ...
goddam. who knew that everyday modern products were so Weird Sisters?
eye of newt, wing of butterfly, shit of bat, foreskin of a newly suckl'd babe...
eli: schweet! drop me an email (it's in the profile, too lazy to type out the spambot avoidy-version) when you know more details.
okay. now what I want to know is:
who's in charge of gathering the ingredients?
i mean, presumably that's someone's -job- somewhere.
well.
first there are people testing this shit to see which disgusting ingredient provides the most luscious product;
then presumably you need to -get- the shit (and i do mean literally) from somewhere;
do they have darkened rooms with thousands of bats hanging from the rafters/cages in the factory somewhere? or do they have people specially trained to go spelunking in caves and collect the stuff? is there a refinery plant where it all gets processed before it goes to L'Oreal or whomever?
i know about the mica for glitter, that was actually pretty depressingly exploitive.
so, okay, do "animal cruelty free" products include GUANO? or do they go, "oh well, harvesting shit from 'em doesn't HURT them or nothing, so...IN WITH THE BATSHIT!"?
and, okay: the foreskin thing:
seriously, i'd love to see exactly how that transaction worked itself out. so, what, after someone in design/lab has this -brilliant- idea, it's some flunkie's job to scout out...your friendly local mohel, or whatever wing it is of your hospital more likely; and says, say-hey! you don't really NEED those after you remove them, right? because, we might have a deal for you. waste not, want not...
eli: schweet! drop me an email (it's in the profile, too lazy to type out the spambot avoidy-version) when you know more details.
Cool! Um, your profile was the first place I checked, and I couldn't find an e-mail address.
Perhaps I have Hysterical E-Mail Blindness, or perhaps I have some spambot genes in my family which have rendered me incapable of seeing e-mail addresses without @ symbols.
Cramps, ick.
I'm due tomorrow.
Ick.
A story: I grossed out a friend, who more of a friend of a friend, by sending a group email which included her.
In this email, I discussed my clots and the mess they made on the bathroom floor.
She was offended, I think.
I haven't emailed her since.
The End.
Oh, I have some cramps, too. Maybe we're synching up. I feel very sharp, though. Also, as usual, tired.
Someone get Mike Rowe on the horn!
(I know there was at least one guano episode, but I'll wager Foreskin Collector has not been covered yet.)
isn't there fish product in lipstick, too? fish scales or something...
AND did you know that green olives are processed in lye?
eli: lilith_sincere AT yahoo DOT com
Give me the weekend, and I'll have pictures of men in skirts. And women in skirts, and tourists in fat pants.
That whole foreskin thing of Ambers...that's just a touch close to cannibalism for my taste. Same with placenta. I'm less concerned with bat poo than I am with that.
I don't know if any of this entertained you, belle, but I always find scatological discussions like this to be most compelling.
next up - a recipe book with 101 uses for batshit.
but, it's MASCARA. bat shit in your EYES.
(to the tune of "smoke gets in your eyes...")
and some of them have RABIES.
this just CAN'T be a good thing, I'm sorry.
Hmm, there is always this Adam & Joe clip of the Fight Club storyline compressed into four minutes, with a brand new look and cast.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJ2GNk5zPuE
Um, I recently wrote about how I'm living in the wrong universe:
http://nataliaantonova.wordpress.com/2007/05/02/science-fiction/
Oh, and here's something funny (and delicious) from youtube:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=UHyjRnoIYZM
:)))
http://www.angryalien.com/
if Brokeback Mountain peformed entirely by bunnies in 30 seconds won't entertain you, nothing will.
Hmm, there is always this Adam & Joe clip of the Fight Club storyline compressed into four minutes, with a brand new look and cast.
I think Saving Private Lion is my favorite Adam & Joe re-enactment - I think it's E.T.'s powerful moral authority.
Meanwhile, Mitchell & Webb are not afraid to tackle the weightiest of issues.
"BE GOOD!!!!"
Yup, that one is great. Or there is Toytanic. "The ship of dreams, but to me it was the ship..... of shit."
Yup, that one is great. Or there is Toytanic. "The ship of dreams, but to me it was the ship..... of shit."
Their footie and Robert De Niro songs are brilliant as well.
There is an alarmingly faithful re-enactment of The Prisoner with teddy bears out there too - I think it's a tribute to Adam & Joe, but not actually them.
Oh, and speaking of low-rent-yet surprisingly accurate re-enactments...
Or, for somewhat less accurate low-rent re-enactments, you can't beat the Tales For The Leet version of Hamlet.
addictinggames.com has all sorts of fun games.
http://www4.alluc.org/alluc/tv-shows.html?action=getviewcategory&category_uid=607
and http://tv-links.co.uk/ have a lot of movies and tv shows to watch.
and some of them have RABIES.
Some of them have diseases humans can usually only catch through cannabalism.
However if you heat anything up hot enough virusii and bacterii cease to be a problem really.
However, bat guano does make up a major part of a lot of cave ecosystems' nutrient source, to such a degree that there are centipedes out there that are specialised at climbing up cave walls and catching bats in mid air so they can eat them.
BIIG centipedes.
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