Monday, November 20, 2006

If your cat were your roommate

or, "Why being into cats is essentially the same as being into psychotic tweakers."

"Your roommate scurries off into the darkness again, once more without a sound, but gives you only a few seconds to freak out about this latest episode as you soon hear your roommate scrambling haphazardly, apparently completely devoid of the quiet grace in use only seconds earlier, over your furniture, running head-first into a stack of boxes, leaping to the side, glancing over at you quickly, then trying to play it cool, like everything that just happened went exactly as planned and oh, were you watching all that finesse? 'cause that was nothing for a smooth character such as myself. At least as much as one can look like that while featuring pupils the size of nickels."


greymatters said...

Too true; too true. I wish my "roommate" would help with the bills on occassion, instead of zipping up and down the hallway at 3:23 a.m..

Renegade Evolution said...

there is a reason I once owned a cat named Timothy Leary...

belledame222 said...

or; as now;




"...time is?.."

"i've got the munchies."

"uh huh.***"


"OW! did you just *bite* me?!"

"we got anything to eat?"

"fuck OFF."


"--jesus CHRIST, NOW wh--

"Yo BITCH, I asked you a QUESTION. we got any food inna house? huh? huh? huh? I'm starting to get a little EDGY if you know what i mean"

"don't swat my HEAD!"

"now make me a pizza or the lamp gets it."

"FINE. since i'm up anyway--HEY, can you at least wait till I take a piss?! jesus CHRIST can i get ANY privacy here?

"hey, i gotta go too."


"so? FOOD."

"here you go, you little fuck, and much good may it do you."

"what's this? that's not food! that shit is COLD."

"it's all we've got."

"hey hey HEY! hey hey HEY! wanna shoot some pool?"

"it's five thirty in the morning."


(looks at manic roommate bouncing off the walls, hunger apparently forgotten, eyeballs phone meaningfully, thinks of calling 911...)

Rootietoot said...

We have a black cat named morgan, her eyes are luminescent yellow. At night it's just these glowing yellow eyes hovering about 8 inches off the ground. She's gorgeous but completely worthless except for her decorative value.

Taihae said...

I'd gladly pay for the honor of rooming with a cat, but it's an old, hopeless dream - I'm so allergic they can literally cause my death.

Chuckie K said...

I am so sorry to let you in on this but when my 9.75 lbs. of feline companionship wants food at odd hours, she jumps on the bed, walks to my face and licks me on the lips. When she started this practice, it sadly struck me that none of my once-upon-a-time regular human sleep-over companions had ever atttempted such a devoted and obliging approach to imposing on me.

Dan L-K said...

My all-time favorite Keith Knight cartoon is the one comparing cat owners to abuse victims. The description cannot do it justice, but there's a great two-panel sequence where the cat's up on the mantel and her owner's saying "No, Amber! That's a priceless Ming vase filled with Mother's ashes!" And in the next panel the cat's pushing it off with one paw and giving him the finger with the other.

Willow has not quite done that yet, but she's mastered the art of looking hurt and affronted while she's up on the table getting sprayed with the squirt bottle.

Adorable Girlfriend said...

I don't own a cat. Perhaps this is a good thing.

debbie said...

Except no tweaker causes me to leave the following voicemail messages on friends answering machines:

Hi, it's me returning your call...Ohmygod! No dead things in the house! Ew ew ew ew ew ew! No dead things in the house! SHIT! It's still alive! Don't torture it! Just kill it already!

belledame222 said...

You just haven't had the right tweaker yet.

belledame222 said...

AG: -No one- "owns" a cat.

JackGoff said...

Aww, my one and only kitty wasn't a tweaker, he was just a snuggle buddy.

belledame222 said...


my little tweaker is a snuggle buddy most of the day. he just has these...moments.

Vanessa said...

I swear yesterday when I came home my cat was relaxing on the couch watching tv, and I got mad that he hadn't bothered to do any dishes.

Professor Zero said...

My deceased cat helped out by being on vacation for me. This was when I did not have the time or the money to vacation myself. She took over on the vacationing front, and played all day.

My living cat helps out by sleeping for me. I do not get enough sleep most nights, I like to stay up late but have to go to work early. He helps out by getting extra sleep.

belledame222 said...

that's so thoughtful!

cats sleep sixteen hours a day, apparently.

which explains the manic bouncy-bouncy during the hours they -are- awake, i guess.