Shame and women, continued further

Anyway, I was going to say something else entirely, but, as happens so often these days, got sidetracked.

What I was going to say was something that I had attempted to say in an earlier post, somewhere back there; I think it got tangled up with other shit (my bad) and so we lost the plot. So here's the gist, more or less, cleaned up:

I think there's another reason why women are more susceptible to shame; or at least another aspect of the same reason. Part of "female training" is that we're supposed to be in charge of all the emotional stuff; relationships, you see, are more important than anything. Feminism 101 says it's all about pleasing the Man, and that's there, certainly; but it also is true in other relationships. It happens among lesbians (they don't call it "dyke drama" for nothing). Mother-daughter. Female friends and colleagues and rivals. And, of course, in feminist collectives and organizations (RL and virtual).

In fact, in my experience at least, it feels that much more intense among women, sometimes.
I think this is because we're many of us trained to

1) seek out more intimacy and connection, to value the relationships more, and

2) not get angry.

As a matter of fact, women in this culture tend to get shamed for expressing anger. Sexual agency isn't the only taboo, you see. In fact I'd argue that for some the anger thing is an even bigger deal.

So when we *do* get angry, particularly with each other, it feels like the end of the world. It threatens the so-important relationships; and also there's this fear, I think, that the anger, fully expressed, might just do us in.

"Birds in their little nests agree..."

That's why the political stuff is both so important and so fraught, I think. especially wrt "the patriarchy." Because it allows for a safe outlet for all that pent-up anger: let's you and me unite against Him (It, Them). Damn, that feels nice. Empowering, one might say.

Even a hint that we might turn it on each other, though, and ahhhhhh.

You'd think that would mean there'd be less infighting, right? But I think instead what happens is that because it's so very fraught, sometimes, what could've been a nice knock-down argument wherein everyone goes for a beer afterward, instead becomes: well, disagreement=anger=OH MY GOD SHE WANTS TO ANNIHILATE ME ATTACK ATTACK...

...which at that point becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Mutual Assured Drama.

Add to the mix some seriously painful shit--heavy abuse experiences, say--and, yeah. Community go boom.

I can't say I have any particular solution in mind at the moment. Except maybe a little more recognition that actually, it is possible to be angry as hell at someone and still like her; and still work together; and still not die. And even, eventually, just maybe, sometimes...get over it.